And Into Eternity She Went

The last conversation I had with my mom she asked me to write one last blog to kind of tie things up. To be completely honest I have been avoiding it because there is no way I could ever “tie up” up something like this. My mom lived a life of intentionality, and you can see it on the pages of everything she wrote. Every word was woven together with purpose. She was open and honest letting everyone into her deepest and darkest fear because she knew it would further God’s kingdom and that was her ultimate goal.

So in a very sorry attempt, I am going to do my best to honor her.

Cancer has been part of my family’s vocabulary for as long as I can remember which, admittedly has only been the last six years. Let me tell you, a lot of life has happened in those six years. College graduations (and highschool), a commissioned officer moving to Oklahoma, Arizona, and Korea, 2 beautiful weddings, a cross-country move, the most perfect grandbaby you will ever lay eyes on, and of course a Florida State national championship (yes, I know maybe that’s a tacky thing to add to the list, but my momma would’ve given a fist pump to it).

Even more so, in the last six years my mom and my family experienced God’s faithfulness. While I’m not going to pretend that any of this is easy, or not even touch on the doubt, fear, and anger we have all experienced at some point, even amongst that we have seen His mighty hand at work.

We know full well, He is good and He is for us.  Even if at moments we don’t see it, or feel it. My mom used to say that you can’t trust who you don’t know, and thankfully she encouraged us to get to know God. I’m learning that in trying times your knowledge of God’s character has to help you get past the emotions of the hurt and confusion you face.

From when my mom was diagnosed to when hospice entered our home was only four weeks. Emotions went from coming to terms with the life events she was going to miss, to realizing she wouldn’t be the one I could call walking home from class. I thought that time would make it more normal, but if I’m being honest time has made it harder because I miss her more and I still habitually pick up the phone to call her.

I could go on and on about how much she loved to laugh, how stunning she was, how much she loved to worship, but how she always clapped off beat. I could talk for hours about how incredible of mom she was, or that her and my dad were such an amazing team. All of that isn’t what made her unique though. Her uniqueness came from her complete infatuation with the Lord and a heart that beat to further His kingdom. It was evident that He sustained her through trials, He freed her from fear, and He comforted her in weakness.

And in that we find hope.

The greatest gift is that we know that about her. We know where she is. We know that death is not the end.  What Jesus did on the cross enabled her to walk out of the grave, the blood covered her sins, and she’s standing in eternity worshiping. Death didn’t win because Jesus brings life.

My mom finished the race, and she entered into eternity.

While healing takes times, and sadness still covers most of our days, we have hope because there is eternity and Jesus gave us the opportunity to walk into it.  

- Madi 

Look Up!!!

I have received my report from my quarterly ct scan. All is well!

I haven't been feeling well, really since I started on the new medicines after chemotherapy. Both medicines can have stomach pain as a side effect. I sure have had that. I keep expecting a bad report; the cancer is stubbornly in my stomach. But each scan has been clean. I persevere. 

I have had a lot of down time, which really effects my attitude. That is one of the things I have learned; through cancer, having a husband who traveled for work, and suddenly finding myself an empty nester! I must be filling myself with physical and mental challenges. But most important, I must fill my body, mind, and soul with Christ. 

As a busy mother of four very active kids, it used to be that I had to make sure my relationship with my Merciful Savior didn't keep being put on the back burner. I'm a perfectionist so it was difficult for me to not have a "picture perfect" walk. Get up at 5am to meet with Jesus, that's what super Christians do! The kids always knew.... I have no idea how, but one of them always found me and needed to cuddle! Soon there would be three or four of them there.... The day had begun, and Jesus was on the back burner. No matter when I planned quiet time, there was always chaos abounding or fatigue overpowering. 

I had to learn to not be so rigid in meeting with God. 
Look guys! What a beautiful sunset God made tonight! Followed by a whispered praise and remembering a verse. 

The heavens declare His righteousness, And all the peoples have seen His glory. (Psalms 97:6 NASB)

Beautiful flowers in vivid color on a hot hot hot summer day!  Thank you, Creator!

I missed that car.....no idea how! Thank you, Jesus....

Mama, look at the vivid rainbow! Only God can do that, claim the promise...

A family dinner filled with lots of laughter and stories! AKA... no rushing, complaining, whining, or bickering!!! By Your grace, Father.

Watching Mason as he interacts with our children. Always a whispered prayer of thanksgiving....for so much. 

So much, so many whisperd praises in the midst of the chaos. God always met me where I was, He is gracious and knows my heart. 

Today I have to be careful to not miss Him in the quiet. Not having a schedule because I have so much time is bad. It can be easy to keep putting Him off, then the evening comes and I haven't given Him a portion of me let alone all of my mind, all of my body, and all of my soul. That is when the enemy likes to fill my mind with his lies....

You can't recover
You aren't worthy of a miracle
Did you feel that? Bet the cancer spread
You're too weak, you can't ski today
Do you really love your God?

All lies. All focused on me. Look up!

There will always be distractions and temptations. We are fallen humans living in a fallen world. But we are rescued. By a risen Savior! Keep looking up that we never forget Who rescued us and what we have been rescued to. 

Our world is changing. Fast. I have a grand baby arriving next month! Though we are overflowing with joy and blessing, I pray for her and for this world she is coming into. The lines of good and evil, right and wrong, are marred. The persecution of Christians  is rampant. Not like the persecution we think of in America. Our children will be made fun of, or even shunned, all through school, kindergarten through college. Likely, in various ways, also in their careers. They will not, however, lose their lives for proclaiming Christ. They do not share their testimony at the risk of jail, or execution, to them or the person they love enough to share with. That persecution is real. Owning a Bible is easy for us who have so much freedom. Not so for so many around the world. With the freedom and abundance we are blessed with here, shouldn't there be more of a burden of responsibility that goes with it?

As I write this, the news is exploding with the burning alive of a man, placed in a cage, no escape, and videoed for the world to see. This follows too many videos of deaths by beheading. Again, for the world to see. How can this be? How is there such evil? Surely Jesus must be coming soon. It can't possibly get worse than this....

As a high school student, I remembered seeing videos from the holocaust. I was sickened by the massive piles of naked, malnourished bodies, mass murdered in gas chambers. Who could do this? Who could record it for the world to see? I have often thought that the people who lived this, children who watched their parents abused and then led to slaughter, must have thought that the world was about to end. Surely Jesus was coming soon. Evil could not get any worse. Yet.... Here we are. 

Debbie Downer, right? But there is hope. We serve a RISEN Savior! 

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NASB)

Let's claim this, live like we believe it!

Mason and I can stand strong behind Jillian and Adam, with intercessory prayer, love, and words of encouragement, as they raise sweet baby Audrey Nole in this crazy world. She will be a world changer as she follows Jesus and confidently serves Him, knowing who she is in Him. That is victory, not that she have an easy life. 

Cancer has shown me a very big, very faithful, very powerful God. I have learned to trust Him, to live more boldly. I am learning to trust Him to open my eyes to all that He is showing me. To tell His story. To live a life that worships Him. That means my heart aches, a lot. But the little things I do will be made big through Him. I don't have to do it all, but if I don't trust God to open my eyes, I won't do anything. Children in Africa, and around the world, can be rescued from the slavery of human trafficking. The homeless can receive a touch that shows them Christ. How? A sandwich, and advocate on their behalf, a warm meal and a bed for a night. Children with abusive or negligent parents can see Jesus through the encouragement and efforts of a teacher, or the touch of a room mother, or of the parents of a friend. 

I can pray for God to eradicate the horrible evil of this world. I can pray for the persecution of Christians, and ask God to destroy the efforts to stop the spreading of the Gospel. And trust in His promise that the victory is His. I can serve Him with the urgency that comes as He opens my eyes to the evil, wanting to share Him with the lost, as the end times draw near. 

Perspective. I read a blog this week that talked about how Christians pick causes to get behind that really seem foolish in the big picture. The blogger talked about our current obsession on modesty while evil is taking over so much. Slavery, persecution, wars, beheadings, abortion, children dying of starvation, orphans... Yes, modesty matters, in the root sin of sexual desire/abuse that we refuse to address. I actually heard someone, in the wake of the Super Bowl, call prostitution a victimless crime. Really? Tell that to the children, yes even in America, who are slaves in this sex trafficking, multibillion dollar industry. Our hearts must change, and not by condemning the victims. #butyouwanttotalkaboutleggings 
http://ashleypdickens.com/ten-things-we-should-get-angry-about-before-yoga-pants/

One of the side effects of my new drugs has resulted in giving myself a daily injection in my abdomen. As the doctor was explaining this to me, my head was reeling. The pity party and complaining to God had begun before the doctor even finished explaining. Then he said something that brought me to a halt. He explained that it used to be that if a tiny blood clot was caught in a secondary fashion, like looking for cancer and finding this, they would not treat that on a patient with no symptoms and no active cancer. " That is you, you have no active cancer.". Wait... WHAT?!?!!
I was focussing on the distraction. God forced me to look up. I have a friend who is walking this cancer journey with her father. She said this week that cancer does not control them. God does. Whatever your burden, God is in control. Amen!!!

I was laying on my bed this week, looking away and being angry, as Mason was trying to give me my injection. I looked up at him, and melted. There stood this man I married almost thirty-four years ago, glasses hanging on the end of his nose, concentrating on injecting his wife to help to heal her. This is love. This is "for better or for worse". At twenty-four and tewnty-one, neither one of us could possibly have imagined this.  This is a kiss from God, a visual of what is truly important, truly special. Don't miss the blessings. Look up!

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever. (Psalms 121:1-8 NASB)

Normal! Normal! Normal!

I can't believe that it has already been three months! I saw the doctor today and my scans remain normal, the lesions on my bones remain stable, and my body is tolerating the new medications very well. My labs were "pristine"!!!

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NASB

More than the good results, I am so very thankful for all that God has shown me, and that He is so very patient. I would be lying if I told you that I have it all figured out. Living with cancer is easy. Trusting God comes naturally, because I know Him so well. To live is Christ, to die is gain. Whatever the news, I serve a risen Savior, death is defeated, and all is well. Right?

Well, I'm not that super Christian. Wish I was. I certainly should be, after all that God has done and been for me. Yet, I still struggle. Then I struggle with the fact that I struggle. Sigh....

But this week He has given me peace. Again. I had a good day yesterday and I slept well last night. In five years of scans and appointments to go over the results, that has NEVER happened! So I'm a slow learner, but peace comes. When the enemy tries to plant seeds of fear and doubt, I boldly say, "Not my will, Father, but Your will be done." He will provide and I won't be alone. Always. 

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6 NASB)


I have literally made myself sick with fear. My stomach has been acting up, it must be cancer. Mason got it right, my anxiety was making my stomach upset. Yet, God still loves me. Still meets me where I am. Still pushes me on. Still heals me, grows me, changes me. He still amazes me. 

God has been walking me through a study in Philippians. He is showing me that my struggle isn't with the fear of death. Death is not scary, nor is it the end. This world is not my home, and I long for the day when Christ returns, or calls me home! I don't want to die from cancer, but God's grace is sufficient. My struggle is simply letting go. I want what I want. I'm not even sure, really, what I want. I just want to be in charge. Silly, I know. Even crazy and definitely bratty. Pride. His will, not mine. He is God, I am not. 

For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, (Philippians 1:29 NASB)

I want easy. I think we, as a society, count it a "blessed" life if it is free from trials and conflict. Why can we not see the "privilege" of being called to "suffer" for the sake of the Gospel, for the glory of God. I have heard stories of the youth in China being honored at their call to persecution as Christians. It is against the law, yet they boldly share Christ and their faith because, well, how can they not?!! The danger that comes with worship is an honor to them. I am a better person for my trials. When I am seeking God, gazing into His face, I am humbled and honored that He would use me, broken and a mess, to tell such a beautiful story. His story, of mercy and grace. I often ask my Lord to please take this cup from me. He is patient, always equipping for whatever He calls me to. He strengthens and comforts in chemo. He wrestles with me and brings peace in the bad news and the unknowns. He gives me His words when He calls me to write. When I quietly trust and follow Him as He leads, He is glorified in my weakness. I wouldn't trade a minute of this journey, peaks and valleys, because of all I have learned and become. So many lives have been touched, way beyond me, through the testimony of His faithfulness and power throughout this journey. 

A couple of years before my original diagnosis I started asking God to work in my heart. I wanted to know Jesus better. Really grasp who He is and what He has done for me. I want to understand the COST, really, of my sins on that cross. I felt like I was just coasting, and if I truly understood my Savior and His sacrifice on my behalf, coasting would not be an option. Well, I have learned much. I am so much more appreciative, and humbled, at my gift of salvation. I am so in love with my beautiful, merciful Jesus.... I'm still a sinner who lives in a fallen world, and I have a long way to go. To truly love the way He loves will only come when I am complete, in His eternal presence. But I am thankful for all I have learned through this journey and I look forward to all that is to come!

I have so much to be thankful for today. I am thankful for this quiet, to listen for God to direct my next steps. All of the Vincent family will be together for Christmas this year! We are spread all over the world so that is a beautiful gift!!! Mason and I are going to be grandparents in 2015!!! A precious gift that five years ago I thought would never be... Jillian and Adam now live near us, a very unexpected gift that I call a miracle! Mason and I continue to grow comfortable in our new role as empty nesters and love all of our adventures as we watch our growing family forge new paths as they each trust in God and follow His direction. Another miracle. And I am healthy! But without Christ, none of it matters, it is all rubbish compared to Him. So I praise Him for today, and trust Him for tomorrow, and seek to live like I really believe that what I believe is really real! (no coasting!)

This world is a crazy place, and quickly becoming crazier. We, His body, need to become bolder. Not with our words or our judgements, rather with our love and compassion. Be creative! Ask God to show you needs around you, there are many. Watch how the Gospel is spread through our deeds! Take risks, put yourself out there! Trust God as we all step out of our comfort zones. We can be world changers...

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:7-11 NASB)

GOD 2, cancer 0!

So thankful today for good news of God's healing power! My scan showed everything is normal that, only three months ago, was either invaded by cancer or showing the stress of the cancer! Normal! After the doctor left the room, Mason held the report in his hand. Normal. Normal. Normal. Chest. Abdomen. Pelvis. All normal. More than I could ask or imagine! The lesions on my bones remain, but unchanged from five years ago. I am so amazed, so thankful, so blessed....

The last couple of weeks have been difficult. You write one little blog about God's peace, and the enemy has his minions all over you!  I have been tired, never really feeling well. 

God put me in Philippians. Comfort and encouragement, right?

What hit me was this. 

(Philippians 2:3, 4 ESV)
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

Conviction. I persevered, read on. Asked God to search my heart....

(Philippians 4:1 ESV)
Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved. 

Wow.... I want to love God's people with the depth and passion that Paul loved. "my beloved". Don't you think of that as a love for your spouse, maybe your children? Paul loves God's people with a special, deep love. He longs for his fellow Christ followers! He counts their faith his joy and crown! That seems to imply that he is personally invested in each of them, whether stranger or friend. Okay, so God allowed Paul more of a capacity to love than those of us who are raising a family. Maybe. But I think God expects much from us because we have been given much. 

(Philippians 4:13 ESV)
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

We have Jesus! We have His example of perfect love. We have the Holy Spirit!!!

As I was waiting to see the doctor this morning, I saw a woman who was arriving for a biopsy. It brought back vivid memories. By the time a woman gets to the biopsy point, she has been through several steps of inconclusive tests.  I remember leaving the follow up ultrasound after my inconclusive mammogram; another inconclusive test meant I had scheduled an appointment for a biopsy. I saw Mason in the waiting room and just motioned for him to follow me out. I was exhausted, emotionally drained and full of fear. When we reached the sidewalk, I collapsed into his arms crying. I haven't thought of that day in a very long time, God has grown me and strengthened me so much since then. I am thankful that He never gives up on me, that He loves me enough to want me to be all that He has for me. 

(Philippians 1:6 ESV)
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

My strength of soul has increased, just as He promised. 

(Psalm 138:3 ESV)
On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased. 

Today, as I sat waiting to see the oncologist, I prayed for that woman. Fear didn't set in, I had peace. But my heart ached for her. Does she know Jesus? Will He show her His perfect peace? I pray He does, I know He can. Mason and I rode with her in the elevator later, after her biopsy. No peace. I stood there in silence as she stared at her feet, deeply breathing in and out. Searching for peace in the breathing. I know that Peace she was searching for. I stood there. Silent. Paul would have told her about that Peace. 

I have had a difficult time with this post, trying to pull it together. So I turned to my family for a conversation. The girls asked me if my conviction was to love those close to me better. Yes!  Or, was it to love the lost stranger so much that I am compelled to tell her about Jesus? Yes!  Does it have to be one or the other?

(Philippians 1:18-24 ESV)
What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 

Paul loved both well, those in his close intimate circle, as well as the larger Body of Christ. He loved the lost. He ached for all to know Christ, to live a life empowered, that reflected the glory of God. That love looked different, lived differently, but always was the reflection of God. 

Paul prayed, and knew the benefits and empowerment of prayer. I know that power. I have been healed, comforted, and empowered by prayer. I have been lifted up from the mire through prayer. 

Paul used words to encourage his brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. He mentored one on one, as well as the masses, through his preaching, teaching, and letters written. 

Paul knew God well, and understood that he was here to glorify God in every way. In his suffering, in his prosperity. As a tent maker as well as a prisoner. As a preacher, a teacher, a mentor, and a member of the church. 

Paul had a strong faith. He knew that God will be glorified, no matter the heart behind the life. Are there false teachers? Of course. Is there evil in this world. Yep. Do people who love Jesus, who really live for Him, make mistakes and mess up? Oh yeah.  Does disease and hurt effect God's people? Too much. But God is on His throne, Jesus sits at His side. We are still battling. I can do better, we all can. But the victory is won. And....praise God, not by us!!!! 

Paul knew this. He always looked up, looked to God. He had the confidence of knowing God, knowing his purpose, knowing the power of Christ in him. 

Today I am thankful for God's powerful healing. I am thankful for His faithful love as I look back and see His loving hand in every success, tear, joy, and storm. I am thankful that I have a purpose that is greater than me. That He has put me here for His glory, that I am healed for His good purposes. I am thankful for His love that loves in spite of my failings and many imperfections. That He sees me through the cleansing blood of Christ, my Savior. 

I will continue to tell His story, knowing that He will continue to sanctify me through this journey. Maybe I will be given another opportunity to share His story with that woman in the elevator. Maybe I'm just supposed to pray for her. Either way, God is in charge and I can't blow it!

Thank you all for praying for me and my family, for being the hands and feet of Jesus. I promise to pray for you. To love you. You matter deeply to me. We are all in this together. One body. One purpose. Read Philippians and let His Word challenge you as your strength of soul, and love, is increased!

I'm In Awe Of You....

Today I was walking and listening to praise music. I was thinking about how good I feel, really good. That is a big deal considering I was walking five miles, showering and changing to head to chemo treatment number nine. I have felt so good for the past couple of weeks. Really. I went through a couple of weeks of really rough times. Not feeling good. Ever. Trying to push through. Frustrated.....am I just weak in spirit? Feeling defeated. Then mad that I feel defeated; why is my faith so weak?  Cry out to God. Claim the name of Jesus. Begging to feel the cover and power of the Holy Spirit. Take a day at a time, even a step at a time. And now, peace. So thankful for peace. 

(1 Kings 19:11, 12 ESV)
And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.

I want to hear God in the quiet, as He whispers to me. I want to praise Him as desperately and loudly in the peace as I do in the storm. 

I was thinking how I was not as thankful as I should be for the peace. As I walked the music reminded of Jesus. Name above all names. Love that ran red, MY sin washed white. Merciful. The Name I will proclaim. My Resurrection. Life. Peace. Amazing grace. I'm in awe of You. 

I want to be more than a cancer survivor. I want to be all He has for me. I want my life to point to Him. I am so in love with Him. But I can't just be the crazy bald lady walking through Jeremy Ranch singing out loud because I can't contain it! I sing really bad.... And I look a little odd right now! I might be scaring people..... Any way.... I want to live a LIFE that sings His praise. 

I live safe. I'm cautious. I control my emotions and worry too much about being proper. I don't want to embarrass Mason or our kids. I certainly don't want to shame Jesus. So I live cautiously. I want to live like a person who has been rescued. From sin. From death. From being an enemy of God to being a child of God! I want to share the gospel! With everyone! I want to rescue the widows and the orphans. I want to build the Kingdom. I want to live free. Free from chains that bind, like pride and fear. Free to be who God has created me to be. Free to love big, live boldly. Free from preconceptions and free to go wherever He leads me. 

We are so good, as Christians, at putting on a happy face. If we look holy, completely together, then we represent Christ well.  But that is not what the Scriptures say. 

(Psalm 68:19 ESV)
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. 

(2 Corinthians 11:30 ESV)
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 

(2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

This past fall I spent time with my mom, who was dying the horrible death of Alzheimer's. One morning I was alone with her and struggling as this disease was winning for a short time. The picture was this. My mom was walking down the street, fully clothed, shoes and all. Hair combed, had just eaten a good breakfast. Dressed for the fall weather of Michigan. By all appearances she was a healthy, strong senior citizen, out for a morning walk. I, however, presented a completely different picture. I'm running down the street, a safe distance behind my determined mother. Barefoot and in my pajamas. Crying. Hysterically. A few minutes before this scene, my sister called 911 about our hysterical mom who was an out of control Alzheimer's patient. So, naturally, when the sheriff arrived, he bypassed my mom and came straight to rescue me! 

That was the outside picture. A facade. Not reality. What had happened earlier was Alzheimer's causing a "psychotic episode" in my mom. I had spent the morning going through her routine, at a very accelerated pace, desperately trying to calm and distract her in hopes of avoiding what came any way. There was no time for me to dress. All of my energy was channeled to her care. As my mom became agitated, then violent, and finally escaping, I grew more frightened. I was in contact with my sister, who had experienced this before and had been counseled on how to respond. She called the police for my Mom's safety, and prayed for me as she tried to calm and encourage me. As I frantically left the house in hopes of being there to help Mom in the event of a fall or accident, I called Mason. All I could get out through my hysteria was, "I need you to pray.". He didn't know the details, he just prayed. We both knew that God knew the details and could be trusted with our vague yet desperate prayers. 

You see, the hysterical person had the wisdom, and habit, to seek God in the storm. I'm pretty sure my mom was not praying that morning. But God intervened. Peace came, eventually. A couple of hours later I sat in a hospital bed with my mom and sister, singing Jesus Loves Me! True peace, however, came a few weeks later, as I was curled up in a hospice bed with my mom and her children and grandson, singing praises to Jesus and sharing memories of her life.  Encouraging her to "go home"! Peace, eternal peace, came quietly in the early morning. Thankful for the peace. 

Appearances can be deceiving. When we put on a happy face, there is a pretty good chance we are not falling on our face, desperately crying out to God. Our response to trials will reflect the glory of God as He perfects us. Or not.  I realize that every day is not filled with Alzheimer's or cancer. There are peaks and valleys, and some people will never personally experience such storms. But the chances are, even if huge storms, hurricanes or quick tornadoes, don't effect your personal life, they will effect someone around you. Be there. Send or speak encouragement. Bring meals, help with children, run errands. PRAY. Beg God for wisdom and guidance. 

(Psalm 68:4, 5 ESV)
Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before him! Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

(James 1:2-5)
2Dear brothers and sisters,a when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
5If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 

It can be messy, this worshipping our Father with our life. You could be the crazy bald woman walking down the street singing His praises as He fills you for battle. You could be the crazy lady running down the street in your pajamas, as you try to protect your mother. Wait.... Maybe God saves that kind of messy for His special chosen children.... Yeah, probably! Any way, go! Trust God, listen for His whisper... Live big! Get messy! Then.... Tell His story. 

Good to Know

I have completed eight of twelve treatments and am so thankful to be doing well and right on schedule! As I persevere and continue to trust my Lord through this journey, I thought of some things I have learned and would like to share..... They are things I have learned through a trial or storm of cancer. I believe, however, that there are applicable lessons that are good to know, no matter what your particular trial may be. I hope you gain some comfort or insight.....

Chemo messes with my lymphodema, therefore I am doing physical therapy as well as daily exercises at home to combat it. I am praying that it will settle down after I complete my treatments. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart, it's good to know that it's all part of chemo! I call breast cancer the gift that keeps on giving.... Therefore, I must keep on fighting, in whatever ways I can.  Good to know!

Exercise actually makes you feel better! I know that rest is important, but exercise really does make me feel better. I have days that I am just tired and don't feel like doing anything. When I push through, go for a walk or a hike, I always feel better. Some days the walk is short, but it is better than sitting home not feeling good. I'm pretty sure the praise music in my ears combined with being in the middle of God's beautiful creation helps a ton!!! Good to know!

The cancer patient (me), needs to communicate clearly with the main caregiver (Mason). I need to tell Mason what I need from him, not expect him to guess. Mason thinks I am strong, his respect for me is how he shows his love. Sometimes I just need a hug! I have to tell him, he's not great at intuition or mind reading! He is, however, very responsive to my communicated needs.... Good to know!

The caregiver needs to listen, with eyes and ears! Sometimes said cancer patient is just so caught up in the emotional and physical stresses that she simply doesn't know what she wants or needs. Patience and perseverance will generally bring comfort and resolution! Fatigue can make me crazy, as can hunger. The two combined.....BOOM!!!! Mason is learning to pay more attention and guide me when I've  hit a wall and don't know what I want or need. Good to know!

Cancer can bring many blessings. Our marriage is stronger, our faith is deeper, and our compassion is greater because of this cancer journey. We are thankful for every day, knowing what a blessing it is to grow old together. We have had to be there for each other, good news and bad. We pray together and for each other.  We understand the hurt and devastation that cancer diagnosis can cause. We also understand the hope that we have because of Jesus! We have had so many opportunities to share that hope, with scared and hurting people, as well as hospital and doctor staffs.  I don't know what God will do, or has done, with any of that. But we share our hope as we trust Him with the rest. How can we not share all that God has so graciously and powerfully been to us?!! Good to know....

Cancer will bring cool people in and out of your life. It just does. We have met some of the nicest people in the infusion rooms and in the many waiting rooms we have have spent too much time in over the past five years! Funny conversations. Inspiring stories. Tragic, hurting people who have never known that I have quietly prayed for them. Maybe one day I will see them in heaven.... God will do great and glorious things and that is good to know!

Prayer matters. To the prayer and to the prayed for. I have been on both ends and I'm not sure which has been more powerful to me. Prayer brings change. Read your Bible! I don't understand the how's, I just know God tells us to, and He responds. It's amazing...  I have been changed, comforted, challenged and healed as I prayed for someone; and I have been changed, comforted, challenged, and healed, as others have prayed for me. Pray....Good to know!

Give. Of yourself. You can and should. Even in the middle of a trial, you have something to give. You can write a note, give a word of comfort or encouragement. You can pray. You can share your story of how God is carrying you right now. You can tell of the hope you have. Trust me, you will feel better and so very blessed if you just tell God's story! That's our purpose, and that is good to know!

Laugh. Really. This week there were three women waiting to see the doctor and then going down for chemo. We are all tired of chemo, our husbands have their own issues. But we had the best time. We laughed. Over nothing. Just laughed. Laughter is a vital part of the Vincent family, always  Kind of healing! And good to know!

Don't watch hallmark movies where the mom dies of cancer when in the middle of this battle. Bad idea. It can set off a panic/anxiety attack. Not that I would be so stupid, but, you know, it could happen to some foolish person....  Laughter, way better. It's just good to know!

People who have cancer on tv usually die. Not reality. Good to know. 

God still does miracles! Everyday and in many ways. Open your eyes and heart, don't miss them! Very good to know!

Turn to God. Speak your complaints, struggles, and fears out loud. He is a big God, He can take it. I find, however, when I say my complaints out loud, when I physically hear them, I'm usually humbled at the sound of them. Really? I'm going to complain to my perfect Savior, who died a horrible death on a cross? For me. Willingly, without complaint. So I could have a hope. So I have assurance.  So I don't have to fear any storm. He is my rescue and strength. My complaints disappear as I find myself longing for Him. 

Isaiah 30:18 (NASB) 
Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him. 

Now THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW!!!!!

Be An Eagle Today, Mama!

Last week was difficult.  The labs showed my liver numbers were way high.  I have been taking a very large dose of prescription Prilosec for my stomach for about a month because of the stomach acid reflux caused by the cancer.  It has been helping but because of the liver numbers they told me to quit taking it and we will check the labs again next week to see if that was causing the liver problems.  So, I wait.  Again.

The adjustment to dropping the medicine has been difficult.  A lot of heartburn, plus all the silly anxiety at every bit of bad or concerning news.  In all fairness, I have a really bad track record!  It seems that if something shows up as a concern, it is usually the worst case scenario.  So, I wait.  Again.

Due to some miscommunications, they did not run the labs this week.  Great....  So, I wait.  Again.

 Physical fatigue combined with not feeling well and mental stress, left me wide open for spiritual attacks.  I cried out to Jesus.  Over and over and over.  He was gracious and gave me much.  I was trying to sort through and process it all.  After a bad evening this week, ruining a celebratory dinner with a very special friend and Mason's parents, I was left weak and feeling pretty defeated.  As Mason was holding his crying wife, he did what he does well.  He gave her a sleeping pill and recruited the prayer of his daughters!  The next morning I woke up to this text from Madi:

"Isaiah 40:31 NLT But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.

Be an eagle today mama."

Wow....  So thankful for kids who are so much better than me!  The best part is this; the previous day I was walking and listening to praise music.  I was talking to God, who had spent the week giving me so much.  I was having a difficult time trying to pick one thing to chew on, to really try to claim and allow to sincerely change and grow me.  This same thing was happening on my walk.  I could hear God, He was near to me.  I was comforted, yet I was restless.  I was all over the place.  Then, when I was almost home, I saw this.

I didn't know what or why, but I took a picture.  God was telling me to slow down.  His time is perfect.  I want the great lab results, now.  I want the great scan report, now.  I want to feel better, now.  I want the cancer gone, now.  But God says wait.  So, I wait.  Again.

The really cool thing is that this particular sign is out at that same spot every day.  I see it every time I walk.  I turn the corner, never really paying attention to it.  On that day, God whispered to me.  It had been almost two weeks of crying out to Him and really not understanding what He was saying.  It has also been several days between taking the picture and hearing God clearly.  Wait is not what I wanted to hear.  Maybe that is why I was having such a difficult time!  Rejecting God's direction is never a good idea, and never successful!  Thankfully, He does not give up on me!  Only a few verses before the one Madi shared is this promise:

Isaiah 40:28 ESV
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.

So thankful!!!!!  Sometimes the only thing that inhibits our hearing of God's voice is timing.  Don't give up.  Be still.  You. Will.  Hear.  Him.

Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord.  It does!  No matter the situation, no matter the trial.  God's plan is perfect.  God's timing is perfect.  His promises are to be trusted.  He is patiently forming us into His image.  He does not give up on us.  Ever!  I don't want easy, I don't want to miss His heart for me.  One step at a time, one day at a time.

So.... Go be an eagle today!